Resources

Edited Sentences

On this page, I present examples of sentences I have encountered and, I think, improved as an editor. The Before: sentences are as I found them; the After: sentences are what I did with them. I present them:

  • as examples to learn from,
  • to elicit comments, and
  • to challenge you to improve on my improvements.
 
Before: However, product and company specific needs based segmentation strategies tend to be preferred for developing new products and services.
After: However, in developing new products and services, most companies prefer segmentation strategies based on product- and company-specific needs.
Before: Private sector interest is also growing, with creative operation and maintenance programs in development from a diverse group, including industrial and retail companies.
After: Private-sector interest is also growing. Many companies, from retail to industrial, are developing creative operation-and-maintenance programs.
Before: To deal with the problem of insufficient case-study data for fully developing costs and savings models, the following approach is recommended:
After: We recommend the following approach for developing models of costs and savings in the absence of sufficient data from case studies:
 

To top of page

Before: Using case studies with actual data of the costs and energy savings of commissioning, tune the fundamental model to data from the case studies.
After: Tune the fundamental model to match data on the costs and savings of commissioning from actual case studies
Before: Cost scenarios would be provided for utilities paying for the commissioning or for funding it through a customer loan or energy service charge.
After: Separate cost scenarios would be developed for cases in which the utility pays for the commissioning or finances it through a loan or service charge.
Before: Commissioning mechanical systems results in longer equipment life for instances where the base-case was deficient in appropriate lubrication, mounting to prevent vibration, etc.
After: Commissioning lengthens the life of mechanical systems that have been inadequately or improperly installed, operated, or maintained.
 

To top of page

Before: Commissioning results in buildings and systems executing their functions with less energy consumption.
After: Commissioning increases the energy efficiency of buildings and their systems.
Before: The quantification of reduced pollution benefits for various generating facility types is well documented.
After: The quantified benefits of reducing pollution from various types of generating plants are well-documented.
Before: The life of the repaired deficiency due to commissioning is an important issue in the cost-effectiveness determination and is highly dependent on the O&M practices of the facility.
After: The duration of the effect of repairs made during commissioning is important in determining cost-effectiveness and is highly dependent on O&M practices at the building.
 

To top of page

Before: Nonetheless, each system deficiency fixed will have a different "natural" life and will be extended differently by the rigor of O&M requirements and utility follow-up in later years.
After: Nonetheless, each commissioning "fix" has a different "natural life" that will be extended to varying degrees depending on the rigor of subsequent O&M and the extent of utility involvement.
Before: Because of the age of the thermostats in this building, replacement may be necessary for some of the thermostats that are not repairable.
After: It may be necessary to replace some of the old, irreparable thermostats in this building.
Before: What studies have been completed regarding quantifying commissioning benefits?
After: What studies have quantified the benefits of commissioning?
 

To top of page

Before: ECMs (energy conservation measures) that generally only require the connected load and a value for the percentage of use during peak (light fixtures, etc.) are considered easier to predict demand for, than the more dynamic ECMs (lighting controls, EMSs, etc.).
After: Compared to dynamic ECMs (like lighting controls and EMSs), it is relatively easy to predict the demand of ECMs (like lighting fixtures) whose load can be characterized by applying a diversity factor to the magnitude of the connected load.
Before: Given with the factor group is the elements the factors are primarily a function of.
After: The elements that influence the factors are shown with each group of factors.
Before: The period from 1988 on shows increasing costs.
After: Beginning in 1988, costs increased.

To top of page

  Page last modified: October 29, 2003